This week is my worst week ever, that kind of makes me stressed a lot. How can I have so many problems in 2 days?
I don't know what's wrong with me, I tried to bow my head and bone to the lowest point that it can possible, make my words before I speak so it's proper. Am I not.. polite.. enough?
But It's just I can't take it no more. For Thursday I wanna sign up for things, I did not expect the "things" to get checked again, I mean I only wanna ask to sign since its already getting ACC. There are some mistakes here and there, like usual he asked me about what I wrote. And casually I answer it like what I've been told. But suddenly he spit "f#ck..., am I teaching you that?" to me like whattttttt. I am being stoned for a second, and huh "Oh I think it should be like "..."". He answered, "Do what you want". Like usually I become stone for some minutes and revise my things. "From the last discussion you did not want to listen to me, you are the true smartass. I did not like that attitude". I'm truly shocked, " huh me being smartass?" in my mind. How? I'm only a mere of dust... I mean I only recognized me being clueless at the last discussion. I mean how I'm supposed to answer if I get some question? Spit the answer not being confident... or should I fake being confident. If not answer it confidently. it will boomerang me back I also give some confused gestures -not being a smartass... . Is it my tone?
But it's okay tho. I know it's my fault that I don't know the absolute right answer. But can we talk more... humanly. I'm human too. This got me shocked for a second, but that's okay tho.
Today, I admitted my mistakes for not having answered a message confirming things asap. My mind was catastrophizing that day, My head got mixed up, and I didn't wanna check other things than what thought it; was okay to answer it later since it's got approval.... But turns out, it's a problem. Yeah and now today I am saying sorry directly and stuff and got yelled. That's okay, though the patient is not cooperative enough, and my mind got doomed, that's just okay, this situation can be fixed, right?... Things are not as planned, but they can be fixed, my friend also got stuck up so I'm not alone right hehe
Lastly today for closing the day... it's discussion time, my mind already got mixed up, and I don't know what to study anymore. And I got feedback that my study is enough but I cannot think logic and holistic. Yeah, I admitted that. I think my brain it's somewhat broken that need to get fixed up. I wanna thanks a lot that after this discussion my mind getting clear about the matery at overall things happen. At least the closing for today, he speak nicely... as I speak calmly after I got yelled at that afternoon. Somewhat, I think he notice that I'm so scared that I cannot give the answer since I give a lot anxiety gesture like I'm trembling and cannot look over the eyes. And said "thats okay it's just discussion".
Also got some problem but at home there's no one wanna hear since I never really deep talk to solve problem. This coass life just So hard for me bear, but I got pressure to get it done asap, but at the same time, I got to do help things. Of course I do it, but when time to hard me for to do it, and refuse, she say I'm not thankful for everything. It's just usual words from her mouth. I'm so sick of it. I can't take this accumulation. So here I am more comfortable with my friends that understand my and our problen.
Maybe it's the first time on coass life that I cried. Yup this past week just too hard to me. I am not okay. But life must going on as I say " Keep working as long as you alive in coass". Since write things out and cried are to be said it's good to soothing mind, so here I am crying while writing this...
Life must going on, life must be getting done. I'm sick of it, but today will be another yesterday.
The moon smile at me. This is me tonight after cried out loud🙂